The first thing you must know about depression is that it works exactly like physical pain, you cannot take your mind off it and you cannot get involved in something or distracted and just forget about it. Because when you are depressed your mind works against you like an enemy who knows you inside out, you cannot ask your mind for help.
I have never suffered chronic depression, just episodes of depression. They never last long enough to get me sacked or to raise suspicion from the people around me, but boy are they horrible!
The first type occurs once or twice monthly or bi-monthly. During these episodes, which usually last one or two days, my mind reminds me of every single failure, every misstep I have taken throughout my life, every moment of defeat, and every moment I have felt ashamed of myself or my family.
My mind magnifies these moments until they become blinding and deafening. I feel as if my heart is buried under tons of sand and breathing becomes difficult, but it is not a panic attack.
A voice from inside then begins saying things like: “Seriously, what are you doing? Why do you keep on living, there is no point to any of this, you should end it.” I never considered acting on it, I am actually used to it now. It’s not threatening or disturbing anymore. I keep reminding myself that this episode will pass like the other ones have done.
While under the influence of these episodes, I cannot enjoy the things I love doing most like playing music and video games. Talking to people feels like pushing a heavy rock underwater. The only thing I can enjoy is food. And the only good thing about these episodes is that they end in euphoria, I feel so happy when they are over.
The second type occurs once every two to four years and lasts three to four hours maximum and I thank God for that because I do not think I could survive these episodes if they were any longer or more frequent.
Things are probably fine, nothing unusual, when all of a sudden, a feeling of complete alienation begins to take control of me. I lose my understanding of the relationships between me and the people and things around me.
Rationally, I know I am sitting with my friends, but at another deeper level I do not have any connection to them or the place I am in. My heart feels as if it is filled with black ink and my mind becomes blackened. I donot know what triggers it.
All in all, I consider myself lucky, I have got to know what depression is like without suffering irreversible consequences. If you experience any kind of mental problems you cannot control, you should immediately seek professional help. The thing is, psychiatrists’ fees in some countries can cause chronic depression, anger issues, and suicidal thoughts – as they are so high .
Thoughts on How I Overcame / OvercomeThese Episodes
The first time it was terrifying, because I did not know it was going to end. I thought that I would have to find a way to end my life as painlessly as possible. But it did end, it ends, that is how I cope with these episodes, I just outlive them.
There is no solution, I survive, like in some sections in video games when you are told to just survive a difficult situation.
The only thing I think helps a little is comedy. I have three shows that I consider fictional sanctuaries to hide in until the storm passes, they do not mitigate the storm, but I feel a little bit safe inside their worlds, they are ‘The Office’, ‘Scrubs’, and ‘The IT Crowd’.